Like a ship without an anchor …
I have been feeling quite down (read “very annoyed” to “fucking angry”) these past few days. My last post has stirred up (yet again) deep feelings of anger that I still carry from my teenage years against the church.
Over the past few months I have ranted and raved and jumped up and down about the church and christianity, and seen the title of my blog change from “Jon’s Post Church Rant” to “Jon’s Post-Church Journey” and now “Jon’s Post Christian Journey.” All of this has been part of a drawn out grief process as I try to come to terms with the difficult fact that after 25 years in the church, I no longer wish to call myself a christian or be associated with the christian church.
That, along with all the very very new ideas and models I have now been reading in the New Age book “Conversations with God” has left me not sure where I am at all. I really do feel like a ship without an anchor. I don’t want to go back into the church, and although I can see a new way forward the transition is painful. Sure, I am enjoying my new “Conversations with God” reading, but it is still painful letting go of all I’ve ever known, all I’ve ever thought was the only truth. I imagine it must be a little like a divorce. You try and try to make it work, there are the bitter arguments and then moments of deep emotion, you remember all the good times, you reconnect and want to believe so badly that it could work again. Then the decision is finally made, the split occurs, and even though on one hand it is a relief, still you grieve and hurt and feel a sense of dreadful loss.
Yes, I am moving forward, de-converting, and seeking new answers to the nature of God and Man. But don’t think for one moment that it is easy.